CHAPTER:4; PART-I : VISIT TO DAKSHINESWAR
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| House of Sri Ramakrishna, Kamarpukur |
Years passed. Sri Ramakrishna was away at
Dakshineswar performing austerities and experiencing the bliss of
God-consciousness. Did he remember the girl whom he had wedded as an infant of
five? Probably not. For when one was not aware of one's own body, how could one
remember one's worldly relationships?
Meanwhile little Sarada had grown up into a
young woman. She was now eighteen, fully mature in body and in mind. Sweet
memories of her husband were, no doubt, lingering in her mind. When she was
thirteen she had spent a month and a half with him at Kamarpukur. A few months
after, when she was fourteen, she could again live for about seven months in
his company during his visit to his village home in 1867. She had found him
very tender and kind at that time. He was, no doubt, above the ordinary run of
men in his love of God and purity of mind, but in other respects she had found
him perfectly normal and human. She had noticed an utter selflessness in the
care and cordiality he had bestowed on her then, and her mind had been much
impressed by the instructions he had given her about God and devotional life
and about the way of discharging one's duties and responsibilities in the
world. To the Hindu wife, who is taught to look upon her husband as a veritable
God, as her sole refuge here and hereafter, there is nothing more gratifying than
the consciousness of having secured his respect and attention. To the Holy
Mother, therefore, this occasion of her first real contact with her husband was
an unforgettable experience. Recalling the inner feelings she experienced in
those days, she used to tell her women disciples, 'I then felt as if a pitcher
of bliss was kept in my heart. It was a constant experience with me then. It is
very difficult to convey an idea of this experience to others.'
[Notes: Narrating
the lighter incidents of her life during her stay at Kamarpukur on this
occasion, the Holy Mother would say; 'When I was still quite young, the Master
once came to Kamarpukur with stomach trouble. During the early hours of the
morning he would wake up from sleep and tell us about the dishes I should
prepare for his midday meal. I would follow his directions. One day I found
that I had not a particular spice with which he wanted the vegetables
flavoured. My sister-in-law (Sri Ramakrishna's elder brother's wife) asked me
to cook without that spice. The Master heard those words and said, "How is
it? If you have not the spice, get it from the market. It is not proper to cook
the curry without the spices necessary for it. I sacrificed the rich dishes of
Dakshineswar temple and came here for the flavour of that spice, and you want
to deprive me of that! That won't do." My sister-in-law felt ashamed and
sent for the spice.' 'The Brahmani (ie Yogesvari, the Sannyasini who instructed
Sri Ramakrishna in Tantric practices) was then with us. The Master addressed
her as mother, and I therefore looked upon her as my mother-in-law. I was
rather afraid of her. She was very fond of red-pepper. She used to cook her own
dishes- all hot stuff. Often she offered me these preparations. I would
silently eat them and wipe out the tears from my eyes. When she asked me how I
liked them, I said in fear, "Very nice!" My sister-in-law, however,
would remark, "Oh! they are very hot." I noticed that the Brahmani
was displeased at such remarks. She would say, "Why do you say so? My
'daughter' approves of these dishes. Nothing can please you. I will not give
you my curries any more. " ' And the Holy Mother would laugh as she
narrated these incidents. It was during this period that the Brahmani picked up
a quarrel with Hriday and left the Master's company.]
Several years had now passed since that
brief spell of bliss. The contact with her divine husband had enriched her
consciousness with a sense of peace and introspectiveness, with a spirit of
unselfish service and a feeling of unruffled satisfaction in all conditions of
life. But the young wife in her could not help feeling an urge to be by his
side and be of service to him. At the same time the voice of another sentiment
seemed to whisper to her, as if to silence this impatience. It seemed to say:
'He who was so very kind to you at the very first meeting will never forget
you. In good time, he will, of his own accord, call you to his side. Wait in
patience, for that blessed occasion.'
Thus silencing her impatience and giving no
expression of any kind to her innermost longings, she kept herself busily
engaged day and night in the various duties of her father's household. And she
would have waited indefinitely in patience and submissiveness, had it not been
for the very unpleasant shock that village gossip often gave her mind.
Neighbours whispered that her husband had gone mad, and that he was going about
naked, shouting the name of Hari. Not only that. As she expressed it to her
disciples in later times, 'In my early days at Jayrambati I was always busy
with some work or other, and would never visit my neighbours; for people would
blurt out at the very sight of me, "Dear me, Syama's daughter has been.
married to a lunatic!" I avoided meeting anybody in order to escape such
criticism.'
At first she was tempted to ignore this kind
of talk as idle gossip. But at the same time her mind was not free from anxious
questionings. What should she do if the worst were true? Had he really changed
from the pure, pious and loving soul that she found him to be some four years
back? In that case, would it be proper for her to be staying at her father's
house? Was it not her duty then to be by his side and be of service to him?
Days were spent in anxious thoughts of this kind, quite unknown even to her
nearest kith and kin. Finally, she came to the conclusion that under the
circumstances, it was better for her to go once to Dakshineswar and see things
for herself. She could then decide as to where her duty lay.
Very soon an opportunity presented itself.
Some women distantly related to her were going to Calcutta to have a bath in
the Ganges on the auspicious occasion of Sri Chaitanya's birth anniversary. She
told them that she too would accompany them for that purpose. They communicated
the information to her father Ramachandra. Ramachandra was not slow in
understanding his daughter's real object in visiting Calcutta. So he offered to
escort her himself.
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